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Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Wake me when AI does housework
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
The prophecy is fulfilled
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.