*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.