*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say![]()
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Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
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If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
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My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows