Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
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A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss