[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
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I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.