I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
But is it really??
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.