I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.