waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
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7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Made something I’m not proud of
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
God, I love Scotland
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that