Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
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Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh