me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
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Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”