SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
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[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target