My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
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[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Kidney stones? Hard pass
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street