Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
You Might Also Like
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
the only bumper sticker ill allow
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
this has done me in for some reason
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”