At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
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how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society