*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
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Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
#FunnyLife Insects
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
scared to check what name she chose
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time