scared to check what name she chose
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Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing