Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
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[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.