Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
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may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.