“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
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Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*