“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
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[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
and now we wait
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Yep.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep