“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
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me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
[jesus whistles innocently]
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.