Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
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Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
What personal space?
My dog
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.