My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
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I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.