“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
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*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.