Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
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WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
lmao
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
seems fine
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*