*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
You Might Also Like
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Good news
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”