I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
You Might Also Like
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Me trying to “trust the process”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”