It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
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Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
welp
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.