Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
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ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?