How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
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Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.