[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
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For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Still cracks me up
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.