Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
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The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?