my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
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How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Yup.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Travel bloggers during quarantine
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
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