Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
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11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!