Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
i choose….tongue
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam