Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
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Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Miscakes
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified