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I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them