Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
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if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
😂😂
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning