Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
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6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?