I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
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I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
thinking about a very short hotdog
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Love this guy
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Are we there yet?…
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within