I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
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[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
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I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.