waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
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As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM