IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
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My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???