what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
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Should I call tech support or pray or what
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
thinking about a very short hotdog
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?