Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
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“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.