I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
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Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”