I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
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[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
felt that
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice