[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
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The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?