[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
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[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
not now darling, mummy鈥檚 influencing on the www.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It鈥檚 bad.
Me: It鈥檚 alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 馃幎I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty馃幎
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
yeah i鈥檇 have thought so, he鈥檚 a cat
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
A geneticist鈥檚 refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back