[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
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Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup