I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
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[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
i can’t wait that long
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.