Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
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If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.