You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
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Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
It do be feeling this way.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you