Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
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[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Me trying to “trust the process”
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies